I wasn’t going to be “that person.” No, I was going to rise above and be more evolved than the pandemic-fearing masses.
I rationalized a TV-free, meditation, vegan, and yogic lifestyle magically inoculated me against catching the fear.
It wasn’t until I sobbed beneath my duvet at 3 a.m. when I realized the “woke vaccine” failed me.
I thought of my small daughter, my aging parents, and other dear ones with compromised immune systems.
I thought of strangers’ knitted brows at the grocery store.
I thought of the baby chicks I’d recently procured in response to the markets and nearby farms being out of eggs. The sweet, little fluffs were a lot of work, but their tiny chirps during this bleak time sounded like hope and the newness of life and spring.
I floated between self-pity and empathy.
I thought of love and loss and aloneness.
I thought of losing clients and income.
I thought of how I feel too paralyzed to move forward with the business I’ve been creating.
I thought of the man coughing into his mask and latex gloves at the internet store.
I thought of how I was forced to get WiFi so my little one could do long-distance learning.
These major changes have hurt my pride and have alerted me to the possibility that it’s really just my own ego that’s suffering. Maybe I’m not as disciplined and as woke as I thought myself to be.
Surface-level “enlightenment” can look and feel amazing.
While observing myself during these early morning dire straits, I realized it’s all complete bullsh*t unless I am in alignment with my values, principles, and ideals.
This pandemic is teaching me to find commitment to growth and balance. Not the easy balance I’ve found on the yoga mat, in the woods communing with nature, or in the arms of a lover.
This is the difficult kind: the kind where I must push through and dedicate myself to a practice of loving-kindness not only to myself, but to everything and everyone around me.
The level of ease we find in change is relative. Some of us have a more difficult time than others.
I don’t have much inspiration or fast and easy solutions with how to deal, other than just be with it.
Breathing into all of the feelings with total awareness and non-judgment is the most woke thing one can do.
Acceptance of what is will make space for movement and growth.
I challenge you to allow yourself to feel all of your feelings. Show up, and just be.